jump over a handrail

pedal super fast. pull up. actually, pull up harder than that. you defintely don't wanna clip. like, not even a little. avoid the temptation to jump over a handrail in pursuit of a free pair of sneakers or to one-up your friend. Feeling like your stomach is in your neck and your balls crept into the empty space where your stomach used to be should be enough.

give someone a makeover

reaching out to someone in need is such a good move. so many people don't even realize that they'd look way better as a french douchebag. helping someone realize their full potential can be truly rewarding.

impersonate a celebrity

a solid celebrity impersonation is a good way to spark a weak party. step one: pick a good celebrity. step two: acquire any props you might need. don't get bogged down with this step, less is more here. step three: work it out. practicing a bit in front of a mirror is suggested, albeit embarrassing. step four: execute.

bonus tip: if possible, impersonate ted danson.

snooze naked near a bob marley poster

this is a deece way bum out your college roommate, but fuck, it just feels so right. besides, bumming out your college roommate is like LHTHF 101. duh.

go snorkeling in westport, massachusetts

so what if the water is so dark and algae-ridden that you can't see a foot in front of your face. it shouldn't be hard to find some flippers, a mask, and a snorkel somewhere in westport. place is like the crown jewel of the god damned south coast. somebody will hook you up if you ask around. maybe you can even borrow a dinghy from someone at the yacht club. bonus tip: avoid a BWI.

worship satan

this is so fucking obvi. i mean, come on. if you want to really get up on some bacchanalian shit, you gotta start worshipping satan. or wait, is bacchus a god? ahh, fuck it who cares. that dude is irrelevant at this point, i think. satan is where it's at. According to the Church of Satan Youth Communiqué, here's how to get down:

Light the candle and set it before you. Place the medallion or picture of the Sigil of Baphomet so that it is visible just above and safely beyond the flame of the candle. Sit up straight, breathe deeply and relax. Clear your mind of all outside thoughts. As you gaze at the flame, say in your mind or out loud, “I am ready, oh Dark Lord. I feel your strength within me and wish to honor you in my life. I am one of the Devil’s Own. Hail Satan!” Open your mind; look within. You may shift your gaze from the flickering flame into the eyes of the goat in the Sigil, and sense your essential self reflected in it. When you feel you’ve reached that primal part of yourself, and that the words you spoke ring with truth, speak the words “So it is done,” with intensity and conviction. Breathe deeply again. As you exhale, blow out the candle.

Get some.